I would like to take this time to say a few words about my mother...well, she wasn't my mother, but I looked up to her as a surrogate mother...Elizabeth Taylor. She was an original screen queen, just like myself. She showed me how to cry on cue to horses and how to apply liquid liner (it's a lost art, really). She also taught me a thing or two about relationships. Lastly, she opened me up to eccentricity, or "awkward luxury" as I like to call it. Liz, Michael Jackson, Bubbles the Chimp, and I would have a monthly sleepover, where the Jesus Juice was spiked with vintage champagne (which had been graced by the lips of Sir Lancelot). R.I.P. Ol' Violet Eyes. You will be truly missed by everyone...except Debbie Reynolds.
***Disclaimer: let me apologize beforehand for what I'm about to say. Some say I'm a bit negative at times. Others feel I have that certain edge that only .5% of humans actually utilize.***
That being said, I'd like to shift gears and discuss a troubling young individual who is the antithesis of the divine Dame Elizabeth. Have you heard of this new tween human...named something Black? She really gets under my epidermis with her tardacious song about the weekend! I'm tired of these spoiled Internet sensations who get by strictly on their money, not talent. First of all, she sounds like she's choking on my grandfather's organic baby corn while simultaneously doing a whip-it. Fail! Can anyone truly sing anymore? Whatever happened to hitting a high E over middle C? Was that lost after the newly plump Christina "Miss Piggy with Whore Makeup" Aguilera destroyed our country's greatest hit at the yearly football thing?
Anywizards, my assistant does not want to type anymore (she's muttering some gibberish about coolie wages), and I'm revolted watching her unmanicured nails touch the keyboard ever-so-annoyingly.
Until next time, dear Interwebbers...
***Disclaimer: let me apologize beforehand for what I'm about to say. Some say I'm a bit negative at times. Others feel I have that certain edge that only .5% of humans actually utilize.***
That being said, I'd like to shift gears and discuss a troubling young individual who is the antithesis of the divine Dame Elizabeth. Have you heard of this new tween human...named something Black? She really gets under my epidermis with her tardacious song about the weekend! I'm tired of these spoiled Internet sensations who get by strictly on their money, not talent. First of all, she sounds like she's choking on my grandfather's organic baby corn while simultaneously doing a whip-it. Fail! Can anyone truly sing anymore? Whatever happened to hitting a high E over middle C? Was that lost after the newly plump Christina "Miss Piggy with Whore Makeup" Aguilera destroyed our country's greatest hit at the yearly football thing?
Anywizards, my assistant does not want to type anymore (she's muttering some gibberish about coolie wages), and I'm revolted watching her unmanicured nails touch the keyboard ever-so-annoyingly.
Until next time, dear Interwebbers...
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