Julianna's Blog Entry #7 05/13/2011
Happy Friday the 13th, merry mortals! I surmise none of you are suffering from friggatriskaidekaphobia, but if you are, look in a mirror and repeat three times: “Grow some balls.” That might work!
To test your luck on the unluckiest of days, I have devised a contest that is sure to excite my fans (except my incarcerated followers...the only time they get excited is when I send them my autographed “artful” modeling photos). Below are six (6) haiku poems I have written about fellow celebrities who have crossed me in their paths to superstardom. The first life form to correctly identify each Hollywood poser I am referring to in my haikus wins a coveted prize. Post your submissions on the "Mis-Directed" Facebook page wall or e-mail them to firstname.lastname@example.org. The winner, along with the prize and answers, will be announced in my next blog entry. Break a leg…if you have one to stand on!
1. Come out already
Make the raw truth your idol
Running out of beards.
2. Electric chair fun
I miss us and the edgeplay
Kiss me like your bro.
3. Cheetoh ball I hate
Cesspool of guido jism
Wipe from front to back.
4. You’re still making films?
I don’t give a beaver dam
The Jews won’t watch them.
5. You and your third nip
Cocky prick can’t act for shit
Kate Moss hates your guts.
6. What happened to you?
Doodie bubbles out your crack
You have nothing now.
Ryan's Blog Entry #5 05/02/2011
Classy soiree at my house to celebrate the killing of Usama! He’s “bin Laden” with bricks as he sinks to the bottom of the ocean. His body won’t resurface because only a good, healthy shit floats…not the evil terrorist kind!
I’m so pleased that our amazing country has triumphed over the most hated cave dweller since the wolf spider. I’m also tickled that we have taken attention away from the royal wedding, which has become a royal pain in my ass! Stop with the sappiness, the proper etiquette, and the fuckin’ hideous hats! Some of those monstrosities looked like they were plucked from the mouldings of the gaudiest house in Staten Island!
Well, I’m wasting too much time talking about terrorists with bad hygiene and elitists with bad teeth. I must go now and brainstorm! I need to beat Kathryn Bigelow to the punch in writing the first screenplay about Usama’s death. I’m contemplating adding an action/horror spin to it. It would take place in early 2012, subsequent to a freighter spilling toxic waste into the Arabian Sea. Bin Laden’s corpse is saturated in the muck and reanimates. Zombie bin Laden then finds his way to the States, recruits the Westboro Baptist Church as his minions, and starts an all-out attack on homosexuals and the U.S. military. There’s only one man willing to take on this overwhelming ordeal and combat the evildoers…You get the idea! I haven’t figured out yet whom will be the hero. President Obama would be the obvious choice. But, if that’s the case, I have control over casting. Will Smith…no! Denzel Washington…nay! Cate Blanchett is my number one choice.
Julianna's Blog Entry #6 04/22/2011
I’d like to wish believers in Christ the King of the Crusades a Good Friday! Frankly, I’ve had better! But that doesn’t stop me from writing an open letter to a troubled associate of mine, who is in dire need of my help. Here it goes…
Dear Demi (not Cooter, I mean Kutcher) Lovato,
Stop playing the bipolar card! Who do you think you are? Catherine Zeta-Jones, who is clearly doing that for publicity and to get locked away from her crotchety husband, Winter Warlock. You're just a normal twenty-something-or-other child like myself. Fortunately, I have been blessed sans cankles. So you want to be thinner?…Don't eat! Here’s an easy way to remember that tip: Don’t whine and don’t dine! Or just eat mass amounts of my baby carrots! The beta-carotene poisoning gives me a nice orange glow, and I fit into a double zero (in carrot pants…pun intended) on most days.
Also, give me a break about the cutting! You used a cuticle scissor to scratch your arms just enough to make people think your cat may have attacked you or you may or may not get off from the mild (oh, so mild) scissor penetration. You're not Angelina, so remove that from your little brain.
And if you want to talk about bullying, maybe you should stop bullying your helpless and hopeless ex-friend Selena Lopez, the secret love child of J. Lo and George Lopez (or maybe it’s Gomez or some other Mexican name...who cares?!?!). Just because she can fit into your pocket doesn't mean you have to eat her. Unless you just want to eat her somewhere else, and then that's along the lines of a very different scissor penetration. Anywackadoos, I should stay positive because I sympathize with young starlets like myself. Cheer up, dear Demi! But just know…the pills are evil! Whatever you do, DO NOT take them! They make you incredibly boring and you will lose all your creativity. Just ask Charlie Sheen!
Principal with principles
Better Than You Productions
[Undisclosed phone sex hotline]
Julianna's Blog Entry #5 04/18/2011
This is my absolute favorite video on the YouTube! This girl is hilarious! The ridiculosity coming out of her mouth makes my throat giggle and reminds me of the good ol’ days. A couple years ago, I was quite fond of huffing ether recreationally, and you can imagine the batty words of “wisdom” that would come flying out of my face cave as a result. For example, after inhaling some intoxicating fumes on the set of “Grey’s Anatomy” (I was an extra), I told Katherine Heigl that her demon teeth and black aura made her incapable of being loved. It was quite embarrassing, especially when Patrick Dempsey told me that the receptacle of “anesthetic” I was so thoroughly enjoying was just an empty prop container. Awkward! Katherine threatened to leave the show if I wasn’t fired, and we all know how that turned out! The producers must’ve really valued my helluva convincing performance as Impaled Teenage Girl #2 .
Ryan's Blog Entry #4 04/14/2011
I have very exciting news! The Ciarlatano Twins have been waiting in high anticipation for this moment, and it has finally happened! No, the luxury tax was not repealed, but good guess! Even better…my sister and I received our first “Mis-Directed”-related e-mail yesterday, albeit hate mail! Attached to the e-mail was this "work of fart," which looks like it was drawn on Microsoft Paint…how amateur! I won’t quote the disgrace-to-humanity author verbatim because I don’t watch to subject you to the slaughtering of the English language. However, similarly to Dian Fossey interpreting the gorillas in the mist, I will translate what this shit stain on society has written (poorly):
“…Who do you people think you are? You’re an embarrassment to Italian-Americans. You are Wonder Bread WOPs…totally disassociated from your ethnicity and hiding in dull, lame Witness Protection aka Suburbia. You can act like cultured, educated WASPs all you want…we know that your last name ends in a vowel! But, that’s okay…we don’t want you! By the way, your web series sucks! If I wanted to observe a pretentious douche and a crazy broad bicker back and forth, I would watch “American Idol” (Seasons 1 thru 8) reruns. Ciao!
Sincerely thinking about knocking your teeth out,
This self-righteous Alpha-Guido owes me a new pair of Versace silk boxer shorts because this drivel made me piss myself! How dare he question our love for our heritage! Jules and I are extremely proud of our Italian roots. Who wouldn’t want to be connected to a country that excels in food, fashion, automobiles, and organized crime?***Don’t bother answering that out loud because it is a rhetorical question!***He should only know that my grandfather is on the Board of Trustees of the Sons of Italy, and I am a founding member of the Grandsons of Entitlement. Just because we are not vocal or outward about our admiration for Italian culture (e.g., rattling off “Godfather” quotes or fist pumping alongside greasy Jersey Shore pond scum) doesn’t make us any less pleased to be Italian. So, vaffanculo, Anonymous! Vaffanculo!
Julianna's Blog Entry #4 04/11/2011
I love to write in stream of consciousness…almost as much as I love going out to get the mail with my bathrobe partially open…silly mailman not making eyes at me…he must be a homosexual...he was born that way…maybe he’s going postal…we all have our moments of temporary insanity…some bouts just last a little longer…popping pills…padded room…I think I’m out of pads…period…reminder to not wear white pants before or after Labor Day…I don’t want a fashion faux pas nor a Japanese flag across my bum, now do I?...sushi…girls, if your spicy tuna is not smelling fresh, you better California roll yourself out of that restaurant and into the nearest gynecologist…why must I always talk about lady parts?...probably because I don’t have penis envy…perfectly ecstatic I don’t have a veiny cucumber with McDroopies on the side…Shhhhhhmegma…I hear someone cumming…maybe it’s the mailman again…package delivery…
Ryan's Blog Entry #3 04/08/2011
TGIF! Do people still use that queer expression? Anyway, I’m sending a huge Ciarlatano “Grazie!” to those of you who tuned in for the pilot webisode of “Mis-Directed.” With all the chaos and horror going underway in this world (mainly the earthquakes affecting Japan, the fighting against camel nations, the serial killer offing prostitutes on Long Island, and jealous female voters unjustly booting my future wife, Pia, off of American Idol), it is essential for us all to be distracted by the fine arts. Our show provides a double dose of entertainment and knowledge from a double team (I guess that’s a poor choice of words) of performers/professors of life. I was going to be cliché and mention something about doubling your fun and pleasure, but at the risk of sounding like a cheesy jingle for an unpopular chewing gum or a song from the unpopular Chris Brown, I will instead bid you adieu!
One last thing…before I depart to go bring my shoes to the cobbler (my Prada loafers aren’t going to resole themselves), here’s a little info about the next webisode: You will formally meet Mia. Oddly enough, the escaped Bronx Zoo cobra was just given the same name. A sign from the gods or a mere “coinkidink”? Only time will tell!
Without further ado, we present to you the premiere webisode of our new web series "Mis-Directed." Thanks to all involved! Enjoy, people!
Julianna's Blog Entry #3 04/04/2011
Top Ten Things I Hate About "The Biz"
10. Phony, air and ass kissing sycophants
9. Paparazzi (Italian for "upskirt terrorism")
6. Melissa Leo
5. Public relations...and I don't mean porking in the park!
4. Underpayment of actors
3. People who call show business "the biz"
2. Craft service...not providing Russian beluga caviar and Cristal...who do you think we are?...heathens?
1. The casting couch...you just can't get into a comfortable position on it!
We are extremely excited to present to you the pilot webisode of "Mis-Directed." Prepare to have your mind blown! And by that, I don't mean we are going to give your brain oral pleasure....that is totally out of the question! So get your grey matter out of the gutter...and my sister's mouth!