Ryan's Blog Entry #10 10/27/2011
My trusty friends-for-pay,
With All Hallows’ Eve just around the corner, I thought it would be apropos to share the following with you:
Top Ten Things That Scare Me
10. Daytime television
8. Christina Ricci’s ten-head
7. Brown paper bags…they remind me of the working stiffs ::shudder::
6. Jack (both the Ripper and the Cat, just to clarify)
5. Lazy eyes
4. Ghosts, but even more specifically, ghost shits
3. A classless society
2. Occupy Wall Street…this fear of mine will subside, however, once the protesters lose momentum and return to Occupy Friend’s Couch
1. My own intellect…it’s a curse, really
Have a Happy and Safe Halloween! And remember, just because I will not open the door for you greedy little bastards to give you treats should NOT result in turning tricks on me. You should know that action is reserved only for “welfare queens” and “women of the night." Speaking of dirty hookers, whoever left the semi-retired African-American prostitute on my front porch last Halloween and encouraged her to blow her rape whistle until the police arrived...I'm on to you!
Ryan's Blog Entry #9 09/24/2011
Where have you been all my life, subscribers? I know where I’ve been…summering like a motherfucker all over Europe. They love me there. They didn’t want me to leave. In fact, when I departed both the UK and Greece, uprisings and mass chaos broke out instantaneously. Such riots! What can I say? I have that effect on people!
In addition to my extravagant Euro trip, here are a few other endeavors I pursued this past summer:
1. Supplemented my weekly allowance by investing in a gastropub called The Rusty Trombone. It was exquisite! PoMo architecture, Philip Glass piped through the state-of-the-art sound system, you name it. But, strangely enough, pretentious people started to patronize the place and so I nixed that venture after one month’s time!
2. Temporarily conformed to nonconformist hipsterism by taking up whittling eco-friendly toys for trust fund toddlers in Williamsburg, Brooklyn (see above image)
3. Attempted to break free from the shackles of the iMovement when Steve Jobs announced his resignation #iFailed
As you are well aware, yesterday was the first day of autumn, and so the summer fun and debauchery has come to a screeching halt. Now, however, I have more time at my disposal to work on “Mis-Directed.” I promise you will see new webisodes in the near future…and I never break a promise! Well, there was that one time I swore to God...
I have to run, literally, because my sister claims that the NASA satellite has crashed into the forest behind our house and killed all of her “woodland friends.” I guess her monthly adjustment, and I’m not speaking in chiropractic terms, is wearing off. ECT must stand for “Ends Crazy Temporarily.”
'Til I blog again...
Ryan's Blog Entry #8 06/28/2011
Top Ten Things I Hate About Summer
10. Sand in every orifice
9. Sex offender ice cream men
8. The smell of bug repellent, citronella candles, and desperation
7. Members of unidentifiable ethnic groups showering their offspring at the beach
6. Crenshaw melons (aka watermelons with more street cred)
5. Swass and swalls
4. A child at every corner…I refuse to believe I ever was one!
3. Watersports (inside and outside the bedroom)
2. Yardwork…just kidding (but I’m sure the help hates it)!
1. It shares a name with a stripper who gave me crabs
*Mia persuaded me to include the above picture (no big surprise there). The one I wanted was a more graphic depiction.
Ryan's Blog Entry #7 06/06/2011
Long time, no confabulation, “Mis-Directed” fans. I hope you were pleased with the latest webisode. You finally got to meet Mia. Don’t succumb to the cuteness like I unfortunately did. Sure, pandas are adorable, but don’t forget that they are still bears. And let us not forget that bears cannot be trusted…especially the gay variety. Moving on…
How could I forget?!?! Happy D-Day! Sarah Palin reminded me of the history behind this momentous day as she disembarked from her “One Nation” tour bus to view the remnants of Fort Salonga, a national historic landmark located a few blocks from my estate. She revealed to me that the “D” in “D-Day” stood for Deutschland, because that was the day we dropped the first atomic bomb on Germany during World War I. After the smoke cleared, we launched the largest amphibian known to man, the Chinese Giant Salamander, into the Second Reich, killing Hitler’s father and Emperor Wilhelm Dafoe. After changing the subject to Paul Revere and how she was historically accurate in discussing his penchant for “ringin’ those bells” and “sending those warning shots,” the only sound left leaving her rapidly moving lips was a slight hissing noise, which led me to believe that a balloon was slowly deflating inside her head. What a character!
In closing, I’d like to address the death of Dr. Jack Kevorkian. I will be attending his memorial this upcoming Friday, and I am slated to give a eulogy following Kim Kardashian (she was the only other somewhat relevant/famous Armenian they could find for the event). They could have done without her; I can assure you my attendance fee is way lower, but I digress. Here’s just a snippet of my speech: “Dr. Death, if you can hear me in purgatory, please know that you have been of great assistance in suicide. If I were a vegetable, I would’ve only wanted you to pluck me from the garden of life…” And cue breaking out the Kleenex.
Auf Wiedersehen, my friends!
The cat's out of the bag! The second webisode of "Mis-Directed" is here! Watch it MEOW!
Ryan's Blog Entry #6 05/21/2011
Whaddya know? We’re all still here. Many of us bought into a hoax purporting that “The Rapture” would be occurring today. As far as I’ve heard, there have been no reports of earthquakes, zombies, and/or Taylor Swift singing live. That religious kook Camping must be pretty mortified right about now. Awkward…almost as awkward as that photo op Obama and Netanyahu had the other day after discussing Palestine. I don’t understand why everyone was freaking out over this supposed end of the world. Everybody knows that the first sign of the Apocalypse is illustrated in the above video. Enjoy! Don’t forget to pour acid into your eyeballs after viewing!
OT: The next webisode of “Mis-Directed” will be airing Wednesday, May 26th. And, yes, this revolution WILL be televised.
Ryan's Blog Entry #5 05/02/2011
Classy soiree at my house to celebrate the killing of Usama! He’s “bin Laden” with bricks as he sinks to the bottom of the ocean. His body won’t resurface because only a good, healthy shit floats…not the evil terrorist kind!
I’m so pleased that our amazing country has triumphed over the most hated cave dweller since the wolf spider. I’m also tickled that we have taken attention away from the royal wedding, which has become a royal pain in my ass! Stop with the sappiness, the proper etiquette, and the fuckin’ hideous hats! Some of those monstrosities looked like they were plucked from the mouldings of the gaudiest house in Staten Island!
Well, I’m wasting too much time talking about terrorists with bad hygiene and elitists with bad teeth. I must go now and brainstorm! I need to beat Kathryn Bigelow to the punch in writing the first screenplay about Usama’s death. I’m contemplating adding an action/horror spin to it. It would take place in early 2012, subsequent to a freighter spilling toxic waste into the Arabian Sea. Bin Laden’s corpse is saturated in the muck and reanimates. Zombie bin Laden then finds his way to the States, recruits the Westboro Baptist Church as his minions, and starts an all-out attack on homosexuals and the U.S. military. There’s only one man willing to take on this overwhelming ordeal and combat the evildoers…You get the idea! I haven’t figured out yet whom will be the hero. President Obama would be the obvious choice. But, if that’s the case, I have control over casting. Will Smith…no! Denzel Washington…nay! Cate Blanchett is my number one choice.
Ryan's Blog Entry #4 04/14/2011
I have very exciting news! The Ciarlatano Twins have been waiting in high anticipation for this moment, and it has finally happened! No, the luxury tax was not repealed, but good guess! Even better…my sister and I received our first “Mis-Directed”-related e-mail yesterday, albeit hate mail! Attached to the e-mail was this "work of fart," which looks like it was drawn on Microsoft Paint…how amateur! I won’t quote the disgrace-to-humanity author verbatim because I don’t watch to subject you to the slaughtering of the English language. However, similarly to Dian Fossey interpreting the gorillas in the mist, I will translate what this shit stain on society has written (poorly):
“…Who do you people think you are? You’re an embarrassment to Italian-Americans. You are Wonder Bread WOPs…totally disassociated from your ethnicity and hiding in dull, lame Witness Protection aka Suburbia. You can act like cultured, educated WASPs all you want…we know that your last name ends in a vowel! But, that’s okay…we don’t want you! By the way, your web series sucks! If I wanted to observe a pretentious douche and a crazy broad bicker back and forth, I would watch “American Idol” (Seasons 1 thru 8) reruns. Ciao!
Sincerely thinking about knocking your teeth out,
This self-righteous Alpha-Guido owes me a new pair of Versace silk boxer shorts because this drivel made me piss myself! How dare he question our love for our heritage! Jules and I are extremely proud of our Italian roots. Who wouldn’t want to be connected to a country that excels in food, fashion, automobiles, and organized crime?***Don’t bother answering that out loud because it is a rhetorical question!***He should only know that my grandfather is on the Board of Trustees of the Sons of Italy, and I am a founding member of the Grandsons of Entitlement. Just because we are not vocal or outward about our admiration for Italian culture (e.g., rattling off “Godfather” quotes or fist pumping alongside greasy Jersey Shore pond scum) doesn’t make us any less pleased to be Italian. So, vaffanculo, Anonymous! Vaffanculo!
Ryan's Blog Entry #3 04/08/2011
TGIF! Do people still use that queer expression? Anyway, I’m sending a huge Ciarlatano “Grazie!” to those of you who tuned in for the pilot webisode of “Mis-Directed.” With all the chaos and horror going underway in this world (mainly the earthquakes affecting Japan, the fighting against camel nations, the serial killer offing prostitutes on Long Island, and jealous female voters unjustly booting my future wife, Pia, off of American Idol), it is essential for us all to be distracted by the fine arts. Our show provides a double dose of entertainment and knowledge from a double team (I guess that’s a poor choice of words) of performers/professors of life. I was going to be cliché and mention something about doubling your fun and pleasure, but at the risk of sounding like a cheesy jingle for an unpopular chewing gum or a song from the unpopular Chris Brown, I will instead bid you adieu!
One last thing…before I depart to go bring my shoes to the cobbler (my Prada loafers aren’t going to resole themselves), here’s a little info about the next webisode: You will formally meet Mia. Oddly enough, the escaped Bronx Zoo cobra was just given the same name. A sign from the gods or a mere “coinkidink”? Only time will tell!
Without further ado, we present to you the premiere webisode of our new web series "Mis-Directed." Thanks to all involved! Enjoy, people!