What else, what else? Oh, yes! Holiday shopping is in full swing! Lamentably, I rarely can bring myself to step foot in any given mall. The shopping establishment by my house is crawling with “True Life: I Gave Up” hopefuls. But, in a strange twist of events, I braved the throng of societal dregs on Black Friday. I literally started to suffer from blurred vision after seeing my fair share of velour track pant cameltoes and stretch marked gunts. Please, Lordicus, if I ever possess the ability to procreate, allow me to birth an extraordinarily healthy preemie!
Thank Jesus I am not prone to having twins (I heard it skips a generation) because that adds another two months to “camera ready.” Twins are IN though! Did you hear the Earth has a twin? Out-of-this-world twins being nothing new to me, this is just another cosmic sign that the Ciarlatanos are supernovas in the making. In this case, however, it doesn’t take a NASA rocket scientist to figure the phenomenon out!
I leave you with some subtle misandry. The news is chock-full of pervy degenerates (like alleged pedophile/former Penn State assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky), raging alcholics (like disgruntled, “Words With Friends”-addicted celeb Alec Baldwin), and crotchety politicians (like Long Island-bashing John “Frozen Shoulder” McCain). They all have one thing in common: a penis. And since I am sometimes heralded as the “Princess of Positive Spin,” I now present to you the above viral sensation that brings charm and sweetness to a whole lot of pricks. Plus, I get to pimp out corn which, as you know, has been very good to me and my family.