Julianna's Blog Entry #11 12/08/2011
Happy day after Pearl Harbor Day, all my lovelies! I hope each and every last one of you had an amazing Thanksgiving. I know I did! Mr. von Trier himself invited me over to his neo-classic castle so I could feast my stomach on gluten-free tofurky and my eyes on a private, Cable On-Demand screening of his masterpiece Melancholia. Kirsten Dunst was blah/meh, but everything else about the moving picture was sufficient. After it played, I forcefully tossed some of Lars’ prized Nazi memorabilia at his male pattern baldness-riddled dome and scolded him for giving away how depressing the film was with its title. He pacified me by painting me in the nude (I don’t know why he felt compelled to disrobe) and assuring me I was his new muse. Sucks (hard) for you, Miss Gainsbourg!
What else, what else? Oh, yes! Holiday shopping is in full swing! Lamentably, I rarely can bring myself to step foot in any given mall. The shopping establishment by my house is crawling with “True Life: I Gave Up” hopefuls. But, in a strange twist of events, I braved the throng of societal dregs on Black Friday. I literally started to suffer from blurred vision after seeing my fair share of velour track pant cameltoes and stretch marked gunts. Please, Lordicus, if I ever possess the ability to procreate, allow me to birth an extraordinarily healthy preemie!
Thank Jesus I am not prone to having twins (I heard it skips a generation) because that adds another two months to “camera ready.” Twins are IN though! Did you hear the Earth has a twin? Out-of-this-world twins being nothing new to me, this is just another cosmic sign that the Ciarlatanos are supernovas in the making. In this case, however, it doesn’t take a NASA rocket scientist to figure the phenomenon out!
I leave you with some subtle misandry. The news is chock-full of pervy degenerates (like alleged pedophile/former Penn State assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky), raging alcholics (like disgruntled, “Words With Friends”-addicted celeb Alec Baldwin), and crotchety politicians (like Long Island-bashing John “Frozen Shoulder” McCain). They all have one thing in common: a penis. And since I am sometimes heralded as the “Princess of Positive Spin,” I now present to you the above viral sensation that brings charm and sweetness to a whole lot of pricks. Plus, I get to pimp out corn which, as you know, has been very good to me and my family.