Julianna's Blog Entry #9 07/12/2011
I recently had high tea with an interviewer from the local rag, The North Shore Snobist. This interlocution involved delving into my craft and general human beingness. The following is a transcript from this learned conversation:
Sariasis St. Juan de la Penga: Hello, Ms. Ciarlatano. Thank you for agreeing to do this interview. I am very aware that this is a rare occurrence.
Julianna Ciarlatano: You are quite welcome! Just a fair warning...I usually plead the Fifth because I am at sixes and sevens. A little numeric humor for you. Did you see a tiny yellow pill fall on the floor? I must have dropped the little bugger! Damn, damn it! Bang me in the arse!
SSJDLP: Um, no. The first question I would like to pose is…what makes Julianna Ciarlatano tick?
JC: Well, I have a soul to be reckoned with, which drives my being. If you literally removed the innards from my body cavity, you would find it. It has physically manifested itself into a crystal prism the size of a baby's fist. Come to think of it…that might be a leftover kidney stone.
SSJDLP: Fascinating. Okay, I am being told to switch to another subject. You are known to be a very “colorful” character. In the last month alone, you have been accused of spearheading Internet celebrity death hoaxes, fined for public indecency at the NYC Pride March, and criticized for initiating a heated, expletive-filled Twitter war with Willow Smith. Do you feel that your public persona works against you and your career as a serious actress?
JC: Ugghhhhhh! I refuse to answer that. That is a leading question. That will lead you right onto my sh*t list. What school of journalism did you go to? I can guarantee my family donated a wing. How troubling? What’s even more troubling is that hideous polyester blend, Kohl’s clearance business suit that you have forced onto your Poppin’ Fresh body with a pair of pliers and a vat of Crisco! Aaaaahhhhhh…RELEASE ME…blarp bloop…LUCIFER, VAN DER SLOOT…
SSJDLP: Now, now. There’s no need to start flipping tables!
JC: I’m still looking for that motherf**kin’ pill! Don’t tell me what I can and cannot do! Leave my dressing room at once!
SSJDLP: This is actually OUR conference room. So, you can see your way out.
JC: Fine. It’s been irksome, but I feel we have made some real progress. Just make sure you use that first picture when you publish this. My face looks pregnant in the other.
SSJDLP: I can assure you that won’t be an issue.
JC: Good day!