Ryan's Blog Entry #8 06/28/2011
Top Ten Things I Hate About Summer
10. Sand in every orifice
9. Sex offender ice cream men
8. The smell of bug repellent, citronella candles, and desperation
7. Members of unidentifiable ethnic groups showering their offspring at the beach
6. Crenshaw melons (aka watermelons with more street cred)
5. Swass and swalls
4. A child at every corner…I refuse to believe I ever was one!
3. Watersports (inside and outside the bedroom)
2. Yardwork…just kidding (but I’m sure the help hates it)!
1. It shares a name with a stripper who gave me crabs
*Mia persuaded me to include the above picture (no big surprise there). The one I wanted was a more graphic depiction.
Julianna's Blog Entry #8 06/14/2011
A hearty hello to you beautiful people out there! A month ago, I posted a contest (SEE Julianna’s Blog Entry #7) that involved guessing which celebrities I was alluding to in a series of haikus. The following are the correct answers: (1) Ryan Seacrest (2) Angelina Jolie (3) Snooki (4) Mel Gibson (5) Mark Wahlberg and last, but certainly not sober, (6) Whitney Houston. Droves of intellects submitted their guesses, but there was only ONE winner: Jeb Boondock of Bumblefuck, Mississippi. I’m pleasantly surprised that pop culture has finally found its way down there! Anywhipples, your grand prize is…an Edible Arrangement! I hope you don’t mind that I made a slight substitution. Instead of the common choice of fresh fruit, I have replaced that banal option with edible undies. You will be able to feast your mouth parts on lightly used licorice, Fruit Roll-Up, and Ramen noodle intimates from my own private collection. Mmmm…yum, yum! In celebration of these novelty items actually grazing my netherworld at one point, upon arrival, select your favorite pair from the basket and wave it proudly! Which reminds me…Happy Flag Day! I am the Queen of Transitions.
Peace, love, and sparkles!
Ryan's Blog Entry #7 06/06/2011
Long time, no confabulation, “Mis-Directed” fans. I hope you were pleased with the latest webisode. You finally got to meet Mia. Don’t succumb to the cuteness like I unfortunately did. Sure, pandas are adorable, but don’t forget that they are still bears. And let us not forget that bears cannot be trusted…especially the gay variety. Moving on…
How could I forget?!?! Happy D-Day! Sarah Palin reminded me of the history behind this momentous day as she disembarked from her “One Nation” tour bus to view the remnants of Fort Salonga, a national historic landmark located a few blocks from my estate. She revealed to me that the “D” in “D-Day” stood for Deutschland, because that was the day we dropped the first atomic bomb on Germany during World War I. After the smoke cleared, we launched the largest amphibian known to man, the Chinese Giant Salamander, into the Second Reich, killing Hitler’s father and Emperor Wilhelm Dafoe. After changing the subject to Paul Revere and how she was historically accurate in discussing his penchant for “ringin’ those bells” and “sending those warning shots,” the only sound left leaving her rapidly moving lips was a slight hissing noise, which led me to believe that a balloon was slowly deflating inside her head. What a character!
In closing, I’d like to address the death of Dr. Jack Kevorkian. I will be attending his memorial this upcoming Friday, and I am slated to give a eulogy following Kim Kardashian (she was the only other somewhat relevant/famous Armenian they could find for the event). They could have done without her; I can assure you my attendance fee is way lower, but I digress. Here’s just a snippet of my speech: “Dr. Death, if you can hear me in purgatory, please know that you have been of great assistance in suicide. If I were a vegetable, I would’ve only wanted you to pluck me from the garden of life…” And cue breaking out the Kleenex.
Auf Wiedersehen, my friends!