Dear Demi (not Cooter, I mean Kutcher) Lovato,
Stop playing the bipolar card! Who do you think you are? Catherine Zeta-Jones, who is clearly doing that for publicity and to get locked away from her crotchety husband, Winter Warlock. You're just a normal twenty-something-or-other child like myself. Fortunately, I have been blessed sans cankles. So you want to be thinner?…Don't eat! Here’s an easy way to remember that tip: Don’t whine and don’t dine! Or just eat mass amounts of my baby carrots! The beta-carotene poisoning gives me a nice orange glow, and I fit into a double zero (in carrot pants…pun intended) on most days.
Also, give me a break about the cutting! You used a cuticle scissor to scratch your arms just enough to make people think your cat may have attacked you or you may or may not get off from the mild (oh, so mild) scissor penetration. You're not Angelina, so remove that from your little brain.
And if you want to talk about bullying, maybe you should stop bullying your helpless and hopeless ex-friend Selena Lopez, the secret love child of J. Lo and George Lopez (or maybe it’s Gomez or some other Mexican name...who cares?!?!). Just because she can fit into your pocket doesn't mean you have to eat her. Unless you just want to eat her somewhere else, and then that's along the lines of a very different scissor penetration. Anywackadoos, I should stay positive because I sympathize with young starlets like myself. Cheer up, dear Demi! But just know…the pills are evil! Whatever you do, DO NOT take them! They make you incredibly boring and you will lose all your creativity. Just ask Charlie Sheen!
Principal with principles
Better Than You Productions
[Undisclosed phone sex hotline]