Julianna's Blog Entry #2 03/28/2011
Well, hello again! I want to thank you all for praising my introductory video and being so supportive! I truly attempt to love each and every one of you!
In my intro vid, I didn't get to expound on the juicier business ventures I've spearheaded in the past. For example, I founded a company which allowed women to be hands-on in designing their own sex toys in a comfortable and friendly environment. It was called "Build-a-Dild." Unfortunately, I was sued for copyright infringement by a company (whose name I cannot reveal due to a gag order placed on me) who already had a very similar shop, yet geared towards children, in shopping malls across the country. How the HELL was I supposed to know about the goings-on in malls? Malls are for the middle class...I wouldn't be caught dead in one! Anyway, back to the story...we settled out of court, and I agreed to shut down production and operations. My little taste of revenge, you ask...I shrink-wrapped the last custom dildo produced and mailed it to the litigious "See You Next Tuesday" CEO of that evil company. The engraving on it read: "Maybe now you'll be happy. Go f**k yourself!"
Aaaaaah...the good ol' days! Some naysayers said they were glad that I was exiting from the sex business. They disapproved of my "using sexuality" to get to the top. But, like I always say: "Reach around for the stars!"
Julianna's Blog Entry #1 03/23/2011
I would like to take this time to say a few words about my mother...well, she wasn't my mother, but I looked up to her as a surrogate mother...Elizabeth Taylor. She was an original screen queen, just like myself. She showed me how to cry on cue to horses and how to apply liquid liner (it's a lost art, really). She also taught me a thing or two about relationships. Lastly, she opened me up to eccentricity, or "awkward luxury" as I like to call it. Liz, Michael Jackson, Bubbles the Chimp, and I would have a monthly sleepover, where the Jesus Juice was spiked with vintage champagne (which had been graced by the lips of Sir Lancelot). R.I.P. Ol' Violet Eyes. You will be truly missed by everyone...except Debbie Reynolds.
***Disclaimer: let me apologize beforehand for what I'm about to say. Some say I'm a bit negative at times. Others feel I have that certain edge that only .5% of humans actually utilize.***
That being said, I'd like to shift gears and discuss a troubling young individual who is the antithesis of the divine Dame Elizabeth. Have you heard of this new tween human...named something Black? She really gets under my epidermis with her tardacious song about the weekend! I'm tired of these spoiled Internet sensations who get by strictly on their money, not talent. First of all, she sounds like she's choking on my grandfather's organic baby corn while simultaneously doing a whip-it. Fail! Can anyone truly sing anymore? Whatever happened to hitting a high E over middle C? Was that lost after the newly plump Christina "Miss Piggy with Whore Makeup" Aguilera destroyed our country's greatest hit at the yearly football thing?
Anywizards, my assistant does not want to type anymore (she's muttering some gibberish about coolie wages), and I'm revolted watching her unmanicured nails touch the keyboard ever-so-annoyingly.
Until next time, dear Interwebbers...
Meet Julianna Ciarlatano 03/22/2011
Greetings, good people of the Interwebs! My name is Julianna Ciarlatano, and I present to you my long-awaited intro video. Please disregard the whisperings that I was off my meds while this was being shot. I want to set the record straight and assure you all that I NEVER stray from taking my scripts. I'd love to keep writing and dispel more rumors, but unfortunately, I must go. Russian spies are eavesdropping through my radio, so I have to go turn it off and bury it in the backyard. Enjoy!
Ryan's Blog Entry #2 03/19/2011
To celebrate tonight's "supermoon," the largest full moon of 2011, I have included the below picture I had recently taken on my iPhone in a NYC Starbucks. You're welcome?
On an unrelated note, I just heard a news correspondent say that "a coalition of American and European forces is bombing lesbian targets." First off, I did not know there were that many Home Depots in Libya! Secondly, if this is true and not a pretty hysterical slip of the tongue, it gives lady-lovin' ladies a reason to put on their favorite pair of combat boots...and go to WAR!
Ryan's Blog Entry #1 03/17/2011
I would like to thank all of my new devotees out there for throwing full support behind my viral video. It's garnered much buzz and has already had more hits than a bong at Snoop Dogg's house on a Saturday night. Fo' shizzle (I think that's what the proles are saying these days)!
Soon, you will be meeting my dear twin sister, Julianna. Her intro vid will be going live next week; you will finally get to meet the apple of my eye and the bane of my existence. I jest, I jest...we are extremely close, and we are always on the same wavelength. It's true what they say about twins. We share thoughts at the same time. It is truly amazing! For example, just the other day, we drove past a bustling community college campus, turned to each other, and simultaneously shouted "Poor people!" We had a good chuckle with that one!
In closing, Happy St. Paddy's Day to all you freckled ginger mick bastards out there! Don't get so sloshed that you resort to public urination. No one wants to see your shrunken corned beef and potato famine. Truth be told...I am a quarter I-rash. If you don't believe me, Erin go f**k yourself!!!
Meet Ryan Ciarlatano 03/15/2011
Hello. I’m Ryan Ciarlatano. It’s a pleasure to finally be seen. Please watch my introductory video to get a good sense of who I am. The video offers a very small glimpse into my world. To be fair, the way I am portrayed is somewhat accurate. I don’t want to blame my less than savory moments on the editing (like all those wretched reality show stars do), but I take umbrage with certain “behind the scenes” footage and the obvious Photoshop job done to an article of clothing of mine!
Anyway, I’m glad to have made your acquaintance, and I can feel your warmth and kind words emanating through my computer screen as my gardener Pedro struggles to type this message out for me. I look forward to hopefully premiering our first official webisode on April Fools’ Day. That’s what the highers-up **scoff** are telling me. Stay tuned!
Welcome to our Site 03/15/2011
This is the official website of the cast of Mis-Directed. The (insert synonym for DOUCHE here) producers of the show would not provide funding for a proper homepage, so I took the liberty to create this edgy site, complete with our awe-inspiring webisodes and thought-provoking blog entries from our cast. Check back frequently to see what we have been up to!