Julianna's Blog Entry #11 12/08/2011
Happy day after Pearl Harbor Day, all my lovelies! I hope each and every last one of you had an amazing Thanksgiving. I know I did! Mr. von Trier himself invited me over to his neo-classic castle so I could feast my stomach on gluten-free tofurky and my eyes on a private, Cable On-Demand screening of his masterpiece Melancholia. Kirsten Dunst was blah/meh, but everything else about the moving picture was sufficient. After it played, I forcefully tossed some of Lars’ prized Nazi memorabilia at his male pattern baldness-riddled dome and scolded him for giving away how depressing the film was with its title. He pacified me by painting me in the nude (I don’t know why he felt compelled to disrobe) and assuring me I was his new muse. Sucks (hard) for you, Miss Gainsbourg!
What else, what else? Oh, yes! Holiday shopping is in full swing! Lamentably, I rarely can bring myself to step foot in any given mall. The shopping establishment by my house is crawling with “True Life: I Gave Up” hopefuls. But, in a strange twist of events, I braved the throng of societal dregs on Black Friday. I literally started to suffer from blurred vision after seeing my fair share of velour track pant cameltoes and stretch marked gunts. Please, Lordicus, if I ever possess the ability to procreate, allow me to birth an extraordinarily healthy preemie!
Thank Jesus I am not prone to having twins (I heard it skips a generation) because that adds another two months to “camera ready.” Twins are IN though! Did you hear the Earth has a twin? Out-of-this-world twins being nothing new to me, this is just another cosmic sign that the Ciarlatanos are supernovas in the making. In this case, however, it doesn’t take a NASA rocket scientist to figure the phenomenon out!
I leave you with some subtle misandry. The news is chock-full of pervy degenerates (like alleged pedophile/former Penn State assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky), raging alcholics (like disgruntled, “Words With Friends”-addicted celeb Alec Baldwin), and crotchety politicians (like Long Island-bashing John “Frozen Shoulder” McCain). They all have one thing in common: a penis. And since I am sometimes heralded as the “Princess of Positive Spin,” I now present to you the above viral sensation that brings charm and sweetness to a whole lot of pricks. Plus, I get to pimp out corn which, as you know, has been very good to me and my family.
Ryan's Blog Entry #10 10/27/2011
My trusty friends-for-pay,
With All Hallows’ Eve just around the corner, I thought it would be apropos to share the following with you:
Top Ten Things That Scare Me
10. Daytime television
8. Christina Ricci’s ten-head
7. Brown paper bags…they remind me of the working stiffs ::shudder::
6. Jack (both the Ripper and the Cat, just to clarify)
5. Lazy eyes
4. Ghosts, but even more specifically, ghost shits
3. A classless society
2. Occupy Wall Street…this fear of mine will subside, however, once the protesters lose momentum and return to Occupy Friend’s Couch
1. My own intellect…it’s a curse, really
Have a Happy and Safe Halloween! And remember, just because I will not open the door for you greedy little bastards to give you treats should NOT result in turning tricks on me. You should know that action is reserved only for “welfare queens” and “women of the night." Speaking of dirty hookers, whoever left the semi-retired African-American prostitute on my front porch last Halloween and encouraged her to blow her rape whistle until the police arrived...I'm on to you!
Julianna's Blog Entry #10 10/11/2011
I’m baaaaaaaaaaaack! I thought summer and I were over and agreed to go our separate ways, but it seems like it is here to stay! To describe it, I would use the term “Indian summer”…if it were PC. The last thing I want to do is offend the Native Americans (especially since yesterday was Columbus Day, and they haven’t cooled off yet). They really need to lighten up, though, and appreciate all the guilt gifts we have freely handed over to them. Maybe then they “casino” evil in us! P.S. I was a struggling stand-up comedienne in a former life.
Now on to the reason for the season…today is National Coming Out Day! What an auspicious occasion for closeted homosexual beings! Besides the expected shunning and outward rejection by disappointed parents, this holi-gay is the ultimate act of freedom and embracing one’s true identity. However, I have been collecting hidden fairies for years, and I have observed firsthand how “coming out” is no easy task for them. If I were a closeted full-on gayelle (lez be honest, I have my Sapphic moments), I would find it next to impossible to “come out.” I mean, truthfully, I could barely come out of a Vicodin-induced coma in ‘02! So, in order to do my good deed for the day, I am going to “out” a former bestie, Amanda Morrow. I’m sure she will appreciate the favor and thank me for my selfless act! As Exhibit A, I have included the following excerpt from the diary of my prepubescent years:
(Side note: Not only is this snippet evidence of Amanda’s lesbianism, but also research for my upcoming foray into authoring lesbian celebrity fan fiction. My first subject will be cokey Claire from “The Real L Word.”)
Today is April 3, 1996. That loser Unabomber was arrested by the FBI today. His reign of terror is over…but Mandy’s is not! First, at recess today, she was pushing me on the swings and totally tried to touch my girl zone. J.P. told me to call her a “carpet muncher” to embarrass her, but I thought it would be stupid/useless to call her a type of beetle. Then, when I confronted her and spit on her LA Gear Lights, she tried to pin me down and begged me to play a new, cooler version of “doctor” called “vaginacologist” or something like that. I broke free and ran away. How whacked is that beeotch!
Holy shnikies! So you’re never going to believe this, Diary! After school, she showed up at my ballet class! She said her mom just signed her up, and I know that’s not true because her mom is always passed out on her living room couch with a wine bottle in her hand. So, I was warming up and, no joke, she asked if she could lay on the floor and stick her head between my legs as I demi-plié to see how it’s done! I told her that she was out of her league and that she should go back to playing softball.
The next day, I saw her in the hallway, dressed exactly like me. This freaked me out, but not as much as when she turned to me, put two fingers up to her mouth, and…”
Ryan's Blog Entry #9 09/24/2011
Where have you been all my life, subscribers? I know where I’ve been…summering like a motherfucker all over Europe. They love me there. They didn’t want me to leave. In fact, when I departed both the UK and Greece, uprisings and mass chaos broke out instantaneously. Such riots! What can I say? I have that effect on people!
In addition to my extravagant Euro trip, here are a few other endeavors I pursued this past summer:
1. Supplemented my weekly allowance by investing in a gastropub called The Rusty Trombone. It was exquisite! PoMo architecture, Philip Glass piped through the state-of-the-art sound system, you name it. But, strangely enough, pretentious people started to patronize the place and so I nixed that venture after one month’s time!
2. Temporarily conformed to nonconformist hipsterism by taking up whittling eco-friendly toys for trust fund toddlers in Williamsburg, Brooklyn (see above image)
3. Attempted to break free from the shackles of the iMovement when Steve Jobs announced his resignation #iFailed
As you are well aware, yesterday was the first day of autumn, and so the summer fun and debauchery has come to a screeching halt. Now, however, I have more time at my disposal to work on “Mis-Directed.” I promise you will see new webisodes in the near future…and I never break a promise! Well, there was that one time I swore to God...
I have to run, literally, because my sister claims that the NASA satellite has crashed into the forest behind our house and killed all of her “woodland friends.” I guess her monthly adjustment, and I’m not speaking in chiropractic terms, is wearing off. ECT must stand for “Ends Crazy Temporarily.”
'Til I blog again...
Julianna's Blog Entry #9 07/12/2011
I recently had high tea with an interviewer from the local rag, The North Shore Snobist. This interlocution involved delving into my craft and general human beingness. The following is a transcript from this learned conversation:
Sariasis St. Juan de la Penga: Hello, Ms. Ciarlatano. Thank you for agreeing to do this interview. I am very aware that this is a rare occurrence.
Julianna Ciarlatano: You are quite welcome! Just a fair warning...I usually plead the Fifth because I am at sixes and sevens. A little numeric humor for you. Did you see a tiny yellow pill fall on the floor? I must have dropped the little bugger! Damn, damn it! Bang me in the arse!
SSJDLP: Um, no. The first question I would like to pose is…what makes Julianna Ciarlatano tick?
JC: Well, I have a soul to be reckoned with, which drives my being. If you literally removed the innards from my body cavity, you would find it. It has physically manifested itself into a crystal prism the size of a baby's fist. Come to think of it…that might be a leftover kidney stone.
SSJDLP: Fascinating. Okay, I am being told to switch to another subject. You are known to be a very “colorful” character. In the last month alone, you have been accused of spearheading Internet celebrity death hoaxes, fined for public indecency at the NYC Pride March, and criticized for initiating a heated, expletive-filled Twitter war with Willow Smith. Do you feel that your public persona works against you and your career as a serious actress?
JC: Ugghhhhhh! I refuse to answer that. That is a leading question. That will lead you right onto my sh*t list. What school of journalism did you go to? I can guarantee my family donated a wing. How troubling? What’s even more troubling is that hideous polyester blend, Kohl’s clearance business suit that you have forced onto your Poppin’ Fresh body with a pair of pliers and a vat of Crisco! Aaaaahhhhhh…RELEASE ME…blarp bloop…LUCIFER, VAN DER SLOOT…
SSJDLP: Now, now. There’s no need to start flipping tables!
JC: I’m still looking for that motherf**kin’ pill! Don’t tell me what I can and cannot do! Leave my dressing room at once!
SSJDLP: This is actually OUR conference room. So, you can see your way out.
JC: Fine. It’s been irksome, but I feel we have made some real progress. Just make sure you use that first picture when you publish this. My face looks pregnant in the other.
SSJDLP: I can assure you that won’t be an issue.
JC: Good day!
Ryan's Blog Entry #8 06/28/2011
Top Ten Things I Hate About Summer
10. Sand in every orifice
9. Sex offender ice cream men
8. The smell of bug repellent, citronella candles, and desperation
7. Members of unidentifiable ethnic groups showering their offspring at the beach
6. Crenshaw melons (aka watermelons with more street cred)
5. Swass and swalls
4. A child at every corner…I refuse to believe I ever was one!
3. Watersports (inside and outside the bedroom)
2. Yardwork…just kidding (but I’m sure the help hates it)!
1. It shares a name with a stripper who gave me crabs
*Mia persuaded me to include the above picture (no big surprise there). The one I wanted was a more graphic depiction.
Julianna's Blog Entry #8 06/14/2011
A hearty hello to you beautiful people out there! A month ago, I posted a contest (SEE Julianna’s Blog Entry #7) that involved guessing which celebrities I was alluding to in a series of haikus. The following are the correct answers: (1) Ryan Seacrest (2) Angelina Jolie (3) Snooki (4) Mel Gibson (5) Mark Wahlberg and last, but certainly not sober, (6) Whitney Houston. Droves of intellects submitted their guesses, but there was only ONE winner: Jeb Boondock of Bumblefuck, Mississippi. I’m pleasantly surprised that pop culture has finally found its way down there! Anywhipples, your grand prize is…an Edible Arrangement! I hope you don’t mind that I made a slight substitution. Instead of the common choice of fresh fruit, I have replaced that banal option with edible undies. You will be able to feast your mouth parts on lightly used licorice, Fruit Roll-Up, and Ramen noodle intimates from my own private collection. Mmmm…yum, yum! In celebration of these novelty items actually grazing my netherworld at one point, upon arrival, select your favorite pair from the basket and wave it proudly! Which reminds me…Happy Flag Day! I am the Queen of Transitions.
Peace, love, and sparkles!
Ryan's Blog Entry #7 06/06/2011
Long time, no confabulation, “Mis-Directed” fans. I hope you were pleased with the latest webisode. You finally got to meet Mia. Don’t succumb to the cuteness like I unfortunately did. Sure, pandas are adorable, but don’t forget that they are still bears. And let us not forget that bears cannot be trusted…especially the gay variety. Moving on…
How could I forget?!?! Happy D-Day! Sarah Palin reminded me of the history behind this momentous day as she disembarked from her “One Nation” tour bus to view the remnants of Fort Salonga, a national historic landmark located a few blocks from my estate. She revealed to me that the “D” in “D-Day” stood for Deutschland, because that was the day we dropped the first atomic bomb on Germany during World War I. After the smoke cleared, we launched the largest amphibian known to man, the Chinese Giant Salamander, into the Second Reich, killing Hitler’s father and Emperor Wilhelm Dafoe. After changing the subject to Paul Revere and how she was historically accurate in discussing his penchant for “ringin’ those bells” and “sending those warning shots,” the only sound left leaving her rapidly moving lips was a slight hissing noise, which led me to believe that a balloon was slowly deflating inside her head. What a character!
In closing, I’d like to address the death of Dr. Jack Kevorkian. I will be attending his memorial this upcoming Friday, and I am slated to give a eulogy following Kim Kardashian (she was the only other somewhat relevant/famous Armenian they could find for the event). They could have done without her; I can assure you my attendance fee is way lower, but I digress. Here’s just a snippet of my speech: “Dr. Death, if you can hear me in purgatory, please know that you have been of great assistance in suicide. If I were a vegetable, I would’ve only wanted you to pluck me from the garden of life…” And cue breaking out the Kleenex.
Auf Wiedersehen, my friends!
The cat's out of the bag! The second webisode of "Mis-Directed" is here! Watch it MEOW!
Ryan's Blog Entry #6 05/21/2011
Whaddya know? We’re all still here. Many of us bought into a hoax purporting that “The Rapture” would be occurring today. As far as I’ve heard, there have been no reports of earthquakes, zombies, and/or Taylor Swift singing live. That religious kook Camping must be pretty mortified right about now. Awkward…almost as awkward as that photo op Obama and Netanyahu had the other day after discussing Palestine. I don’t understand why everyone was freaking out over this supposed end of the world. Everybody knows that the first sign of the Apocalypse is illustrated in the above video. Enjoy! Don’t forget to pour acid into your eyeballs after viewing!
OT: The next webisode of “Mis-Directed” will be airing Wednesday, May 26th. And, yes, this revolution WILL be televised.